Can't You Control Your Child?

I winced as these words hit me in the back, and they weren't even directed at me (this time, anyway). I turned around to see a painstakingly put-together elderly woman storming away from an obviously tired, obviously frazzled and, given the redness of nose and the bleariness of her eyes, obviously sick young mom. She had an infant on her hip, equally red-nosed & bleary-eyed, and an active toddler who had taken a distinct interest in the bags of cotton balls. He was probably just getting over the sickness after thoughtfully passing it on to his mom & sister, and was now full of that bored, fidgety energy of a toddler who's been cooped up for a few days. My heart broke open with empathy for the mom. I could tell that she was clinging to the frayed ends of her rope, and the last thing she needed at that point was criticism. If anything, she could have used a hug and some reassurance that she would make it through.

I've been there. We've all been there, haven't we? That place where you're just trying to get through the day, or afternoon, or trip to the drug store, or sometimes even just the next 5 minutes. If you haven't, perhaps you could direct me to your blog/book/advice column/babysitting service, because I probably have something to learn from you. Can't I control my child? The simple answer to that weighted question is no, I cannot control my child. Nor do I truly have the slightest interest in doing so. Yes, I occasionally cringe at his behaviour. There was the time he threw a major tantrum on the sidewalk outside the grocery store. I felt like an animal on the plains of Africa as the cars slowly drove by, people peering at us through their tightly rolled up windows. And of course the lovely incident when he spat on my face in Starbucks. That was a doozy. Yes, I wish I didn't have to constantly remind him about the ins and outs of polite society, but he's 4 and he's going to belch really emphatically at the most inopportune times. He's going to loudly point out and ask questions about what is different about any person he sees, whether it's something they want acknowledged or not. Actually, especially if not. And then there's his tendency to try to negotiate everything, including non-negotiable safety issues, or simply on those days when I want him to just do what I ask without argument. It would certainly make my life easier if I could turn him into a docile yes-man, but I'm not sure it would best serve the needs of my son. As a parent, I don't see it as my job to "control" him, but more to help him learn how to control himself.

I would love it if he picked up some impulse control sooner rather than later, but he's like Curious George - "a good little monkey, but always very curious." As we wend our way through childhood, I want him to learn that I will always listen to his viewpoint. I want him to know that I will really only stand in the way of his desires if they will or could seriously harm him or someone else. At the core of it all, though, is my desire to instill in him the belief that everyone, including himself, deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. If I can manage that, I will consider myself a successful parent. Getting too caught up in the details, I run the risk of quashing some of the qualities in my son that I love and admire. His dive-in head first lust for life. His healthy determination; he knows what he wants, and will not be swayed from his path. He has faith in his abilities ("I can do it myself!"), and all that negotiation leads me to believe he has the knowledge and skills to stand up for himself. These qualities that can frustrate me to no end mostly because they interfere with my plans for the day, could really serve him in the future. So no, I won't "control" my son. But that rude old lady in the drug store is sure lucky that I've learned to control myself, because dammit if I didn't want to run up and give her a swift kick in the shin.